Musicology

•August 13, 2010 • Leave a Comment

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Okay, so let me begin by stating that I appreciate that to review a whole genre of music is stupid. After all, how can someone really have sampled and encapsulate the intricacies of an entire genre in just one dainty review. The same can be said to one who wishes to review an artists work or even an album.

So, in order to sidestep this potential minefield, I’m reviewing all music.

Now, in order to save any offence, stop reading if you feel that you may be in anyway pompus and arrogant enough to believe that your favourite genre of music is infallible and fantastic. You should really have stopped reading before that point actually, you may have already been offended. Sorry about that. I’m not really. You probably deserve it.

Music is subjective, some people will hate what I love and I more than likely hate what you love. No one is right. Or so I’m told. So everyone is allowed to like whatever the crap they want to, this is known as freedom of expression. Some people don’t agree with it (here’s looking at you Moa!). As a general rule, I see freedom as being a positive in this world. However, when you walk into my store, or indeed close to me in anyway, I would appreciate you turning down your rap/RnB/AnyShite so that I am not subjected to your awful taste. You see, although you may have a freedom to like awful music, I also have a right to not listen to it, however you are taking away my right by blaring it out of your tinny phone speakers. Unfortunately I was born without the ability to shut my ears at will (and, incidentally, the ability to set fire to people with the power of thought alone. A definite positive for you) /rant.

At this point I should really make a point of saying that I love music. There are so many bands that make up the soundtrack of my life. Music brings people together, creates unbreakable bonds and friendships, brings back memories that no other medium could hope to resurrect and evokes emotions that can bring tears to your eyes. I think that music can be magical and fills a part of my life that would kill me if empty.

But music also sucks.
Music has caused to many deaths, one death is too many.
Music invades every aspect of our lives, we allow it in, oblivious to its influence.
Music segregates societies, creating teen factions that have more in common than they could ever know, limiting their experiences because of their self-built pigeon holes.

But do you know what makes music suck so much? Its the public, its your friends, family, companions. It could even be you. It’s a fact of life that people buy crap, but where as in most aspects of society this doesn’t effect me and my life, here it does. The media shoves popular music down our throats, constantly on adverts, in stores, on the radio, in tv programmes. It’s sickening.

So when I walk past you, hear you awful music and judge. It’s not because I dislike you, its just your awful taste and inconsiderate nature. And maybe because I hate you. A lot.

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This Time It’s Personal

•August 8, 2010 • Leave a Comment

The Sun

Sitting in the centre of an admittedly dilapidated area, I stare at the smiling faces bobbing along in front of me. I’m not suggesting this to be a pleasant experience, my hand has not left my bag through fear of it being stolen by what I can only assume to be the missing link, but the day certainly maintains a charm that can rarely be found in this dearest of contries and it is down to only one variable. The Sun.

Welcome to my review of our nearest star.

The sun is a mixed blessing. Granted, without it we would cease to exist in a mere matter of seconds for the most part. The world would freeze over and al life would instantly cease to do what it does best, live. However, despite the smiles that invade otherwise vacant faces when the sun finally decides to shine, the sun has a logical bad side, dark side if you will. The time has come for the propaganda to end and light to be thrown on the reality of the situation and what a bastard the sun can be.

Global Warming-

We seem to be intent on blaming ourselves. Anthropocentric Global Warming is one of the greatest failures of mankind and I can prove it. In large built up city areas, the surrounding temperature is raised by 0.5 degrees. That’s it. And that is in the largest cities only. You know how hot the Sun is in comparison? Really hot. and that’s a fact. The Sun is the source of all of the heat that is warming the globe, not us!

Hay Fever-

Some would argue that I am blaming the wrong party here. Should I blame the plants that produce the pollen? Should I blame the individuals for having naff genes and a downright stupid immune system? Or should I just blame God and be done with it?

But no. I’m blaming the large ball of flaming gas floating through space. When it decides to shine in the Great British countryside, the individuals that had spent their winters indoors decide to venture out to subject themselves to swollen eyes and streaming nostrils seemingly with their one aim being to complain to those of us who are little about the now bearable weather.

Cancer-

This, I feel, isn’t so much the fault of the sun, but rather the fault of the public and their glaring stupidity. Whoever could complain about the fact that they had skin cancer when, as younger people, they used oil to gain a better tan, surely deserves to die in agony.

Tan Fans-

‘People’, I’m told, wish to be browner. Wish for their skin to produce more melanin as this is supposed to be  desirable. I don’t know why. it really is pointless asking me. Only one thing comes to mind. I don’t care how beautiful you are, how intelligent you sound, if you have a heavy tan, all that I can think of is – Jelly Baby- And don’t get me started on fake tan, you people scare me massively.

A Brave New World

•June 6, 2010 • 2 Comments

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Hanley Bus Station

I sit and stare. I feel as though to do anything more would be to not do it justice. There are few places that could boast such high levels of inbred genes and chav-icons.
In fact, I can think of only one more, the Jeremy Kyle show during an ‘Im going to marry my dog and I’m keeping the baby’ special. However, there shall be time in the future for a tentative review of that golden moment of TV. But for now I shall settle for a review of – Hanley Bus Station.

The architecture does not put it in the league of some of the greatest bus stations, or even some of the greatest caves, but its all necessary to attract its choice of clientele. The cement lined walls and selection of a la carte greasy spoons compliment the walkways, whether the cigarette buds have been left as a modern take on rose petals, I’ll never know.

Whilst writing this review I had the fortune to have a completely impromptu conversation with one of the colourful ‘urban-ites’. It went like this:
Colourful Urban-ite: Hey. Hey mate! With the bag!
Me: Oh, hello?
Colourful Urban-ite: Hey, do you smoke?
Me: No, I’m afraid I don’t.
Colourful Urban-ite: Then what’s that in your hand?
Me: Pardon sorry?
Colourful Urban-ite: If you don’t smoke, then why do you have fags in your hand?
Me: *opens hand to reveal a student card and exact change for the bus* are you referring to this?
Colourful Urban-ite:Oh, fine. *seemingly limps away*

I think that this conversation perfectly demonstrates just the kind of beautiful person that you can expect to meet on a venture to this upmarket area. Ofcourse the above was only a girl of 13, but I can assure you that they change little with age.

So please, if ever you happen to venture to the mystical and forgotten land of Hanley. Don’t forget to visit the shining beacon of culture that id Hanley Bus Station. And be sure to remember your camera to enjoy those golden moments again and again.

Signing off,

BioMystro.

The First Tentative Steps

•June 6, 2010 • Leave a Comment

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I approached my first review item both keen and anxious. Pallet cleansed, all my senses tingled as though conscious of their undertaking and its importance to mankind. In front of me sat my Everest.

This ‘Ginsters large sausage roll’ came in dark, relatively plain, packaging. Almost as though to say,
“I’m manly enough for any true male to eat, no matter what his job.”
This in itself was enough for me to stop. Had I chosen wisely for my quick and easy work lunch? I’ve never been one for overt displays of masculinity, surely manly food was a step too far?

Upon opening the packaging no pleasant aroma filled my nostrils, this was a large disappointment to say the least. As one whose memories of sausage rolls largely consist of being ferried into bakers and receiving a piping hot sausage roll, to be immediately told that I am not able to eat it for another ten minutes. The only satisfaction to be gained would be the smells wofting from the paper packaging being juggled from hand to hand so as to not burn my delicate finger tips.

So as to be fair, I ate half of the roll cold, chilled and fresh from the fridge, and the second half I ate hot from the microwave. So as to sample the two states and create a balanced and informed opinion.

Cold- The pastry was the real high point, soft and flaky it maintained a fresh texture. However lacked much if the flavour that would be found in its freshly baked cousins. The meat was very disappointing, large chunks of grissle spoilt the meal for me and made me feel rather ill.

Hot- Once heated the formally flaky pastry had become soggy and lifeless. The meat, however, suddenly sprang into life, tantalizing the taste buds, still far inferior to anything that’s fresh but above most packaged foods.

Conclusion- By combining the cold-style flaky pastry and the warm tastier meat, we would have a meal that I would class as passable. However mainly due to the packaging that feels the need to shout testosterone, I shan’t be buying another.

Signing off,

BioMystro

Hello world!

•June 1, 2010 • Leave a Comment

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Welcome to my humble corner of the much touted interwebs.

I had an idea of being a reviewer a while ago but a large and important question loomed; what do I review?
I’m quite knowledgeable about games and they are immensely popular, but the cost of keeping up with all of the latest games would be ridiculous. And doubtless the blog would just be lost amongst the thousands of better looking faces.
Sooo, maybe I could review films? Same problems. Books. Same. Food. Same. Travel. Same.

It was in the spiral of incompetence that I came up with the idea, why not just review it all? And why should it be just certain bits of life? Why not all of it? Warts and all?

So, armed with just my trusty phone, I intend to leave no stone unturned (unless I’m feeling lazy). I intend to educate you all about the often overlooked elements of life.

Enjoy.

Excited by his own good intentions,

BioMystro